Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
I should be an advice columnist.
This is a Dear Prudie letter from Slate. Prudie's reply wasn't bad, but I liked mine better.
Dear Prudie,
I am a 30-year-old married female. Since I started a new job a year ago, I have been very attracted to a handsome, smart, and funny colleague. (Might I shamefully add that I am not bad-looking and not a bimbo.) At first I thought it was just a passing phase, but it's not. I've never been so attracted to someone in my whole life, not even my husband. It feels like an innate emotion, something beyond my control, like an invisible string that pulls me toward him. I haven't said or done anything to give myself away, but it's getting harder. I'm in this dreamy state of mind after I talk to him. He is single, aware of my marital status, and has never come on to me. I don't know what his feelings are toward me, but I cannot stop thinking and fantasizing about him. Should I try to stop these emotions or let fate and nature take their course?
—Tangled
Tangled - The "invisible string" connecting you to this guy is your own ruminating and fantasizing about him. It's easy to fantasize romantically about people you don't know all that well, because unlike real people (like, for instance, your HUSBAND), you don't really know the guy you're infatuated with. You haven't had any disagreements with him, there are no past hurts or disappointments, and no burdens of practical matters like bills, mortgages, and all the other unromantic impedimenta of real life. You're infatuated with a fantasy idealized version of the guy in your office, not the real person he really is.
If you continue to obsess about Office Guy, you will probably wind up having an affair with him. This will cause a great deal of pain and destruction in your marriage, and very likely result in the end of your marriage. It's possible your relationship with Office Guy will survive all this, in which case you'll stay with him for a year or two, until he becomes a real person who is connected in your mind with hurts and disappointments and unromatic realities like bills and mortgages. Then you'll run into a new guy at the office or the gym, who seems just fantastically attractive, precisely because he is a fantasy and not a real person like Office Guy has become.
You can see where this is heading. You have two choices.
Choice one is to continue pursuing - and you are pursuing Office Guy right now, albeit just in your head at this point - fantasies, and moving from one guy to another. Ultimately this will not lead to a life of happiness and fulfillment.
Choice two is to take on the challenge of personal growth, and working intentionally to deepen your connection to your real life actual person of a husband. This choice involves a great deal more work. It will also mean some vulnerability, and perhaps grieving the loss of a fantasy life where love means perpetually being swept off your feet by irresitible infatuation. This choice has the advantage of being reality based, and will ultimately be far more satisfying. I have no idea how to map out this path should you choose to take it, but I have a pretty good idea where to begin. Go to your husband and say, "I'd like to work on making our connection deeper and stronger." And see where that conversation leads.
And finally, don't write off the option of getting a professional third party to help you and your husband improve your relationship. You'd have no compunction about getting a professional to cut your hair or do your nails. Why not consider professional help for this matter, which is far more complex and far more important?
- Alath
Dear Prudie,
I am a 30-year-old married female. Since I started a new job a year ago, I have been very attracted to a handsome, smart, and funny colleague. (Might I shamefully add that I am not bad-looking and not a bimbo.) At first I thought it was just a passing phase, but it's not. I've never been so attracted to someone in my whole life, not even my husband. It feels like an innate emotion, something beyond my control, like an invisible string that pulls me toward him. I haven't said or done anything to give myself away, but it's getting harder. I'm in this dreamy state of mind after I talk to him. He is single, aware of my marital status, and has never come on to me. I don't know what his feelings are toward me, but I cannot stop thinking and fantasizing about him. Should I try to stop these emotions or let fate and nature take their course?
—Tangled
Tangled - The "invisible string" connecting you to this guy is your own ruminating and fantasizing about him. It's easy to fantasize romantically about people you don't know all that well, because unlike real people (like, for instance, your HUSBAND), you don't really know the guy you're infatuated with. You haven't had any disagreements with him, there are no past hurts or disappointments, and no burdens of practical matters like bills, mortgages, and all the other unromantic impedimenta of real life. You're infatuated with a fantasy idealized version of the guy in your office, not the real person he really is.
If you continue to obsess about Office Guy, you will probably wind up having an affair with him. This will cause a great deal of pain and destruction in your marriage, and very likely result in the end of your marriage. It's possible your relationship with Office Guy will survive all this, in which case you'll stay with him for a year or two, until he becomes a real person who is connected in your mind with hurts and disappointments and unromatic realities like bills and mortgages. Then you'll run into a new guy at the office or the gym, who seems just fantastically attractive, precisely because he is a fantasy and not a real person like Office Guy has become.
You can see where this is heading. You have two choices.
Choice one is to continue pursuing - and you are pursuing Office Guy right now, albeit just in your head at this point - fantasies, and moving from one guy to another. Ultimately this will not lead to a life of happiness and fulfillment.
Choice two is to take on the challenge of personal growth, and working intentionally to deepen your connection to your real life actual person of a husband. This choice involves a great deal more work. It will also mean some vulnerability, and perhaps grieving the loss of a fantasy life where love means perpetually being swept off your feet by irresitible infatuation. This choice has the advantage of being reality based, and will ultimately be far more satisfying. I have no idea how to map out this path should you choose to take it, but I have a pretty good idea where to begin. Go to your husband and say, "I'd like to work on making our connection deeper and stronger." And see where that conversation leads.
And finally, don't write off the option of getting a professional third party to help you and your husband improve your relationship. You'd have no compunction about getting a professional to cut your hair or do your nails. Why not consider professional help for this matter, which is far more complex and far more important?
- Alath
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